1) I have a scholarship interview at Kent!!

2) Today I went running.  I woke up really late and decided the only way to balance out the negative vibe was to run.  And it was sunny.  So I dragged my feet along to Hackney Marshes, picked up the pace along the canals, got a bit lost, turned back, did a little turn in Vicky park and came home to my Gran's.  Sometimes the shower after the run is the best part; washing all the thoughts off and starting the day again.  Haven't eaten, though- not in a diety way or a feeling-sad way.  I'm just not all that hungry lately.

The run wasn't too hard. 12/13 K (8 miles?)  People were out and about looking smiley in the sun.  Cyclists and runners can be a bit of a vampire-and-werewolves situation but today even they were fairly considerate.  My fear of dogs was less of a hinderance than usual, although I did cut out bits because I was scared of having my neck gnawed viciously into.  Yes, it's irrational... but a lot of people are scared of spiders, aren't they?

I thought about Her along Orient Way.  And realised part of it is that at least half the relationship was more unhappy than happy.  So now that I'm not burning up with love and heartbreak, there's a dim sense of failure that only sharpens when we talk about our very separate lives.  Which is why we don't speak often and why we shouldn't speak often.  I cling to the remnants of the pain because they prove I am capable of long-term feelings (even if they are regret, pain and longing.)  But...  I' m stopping it now.  Like the cutting, like the starving, like the endless check-ups on her Facebook page.I want her to be happy but I want to be happy as well.

In Vicky Park I thought about JW's theory that all the cool people should live in one place and decided that this is the case.  But also, that having good friends is a good think wherever they are.  Mousekiller and September are getting married soon; I want to be there.  Weird how the relationships people formed in Amsteram all that time ago are mostly still going, after all that time  Maybe I should have found myself a girl there (maybe my attempts are a whole other story)

And on the way home my thoughts came full circle and I wondered what it will take to be very happy.  Concluded that I am mostly doing the right things and the right things don't hurt so much anymore.  Though already I was burning for a drink.  And I thought about this constant question of what to "do with my life" and came up short but luckily I had hit the turning into my Gran's street and I was saved from answering until next time.

God I love London.

Please excuse any horrendous typos- this is potentially the slowest cmputer I have encountered since my brief usuccessful foray into the hi-tech world of laptops.