I think "glum" is the best description of me today.  Kind of an old-fashioned word, not too dramatic, not too much of a play-down either.  Glum.

One day a kilo won't throw me into a panic.
One day not every song will have a line about her.
One day I won't read texts like they were poems, and meant more than they said.
One day misplacing an I-pod won't make me unreasonable and furious.
One day I won't be stupid enough to mess about with meds for a few days.

And I won't cry at Britain's Got Talent.
And I won't get so angry.
And I will have something interesting to say.

I wiped an entire music collection, more or less, so that I wouldn't get those stupid little jolts of memory.  But it was fairly futile.  Even Jeff Buckley messes me up now and she doesn't even like him. "Maybe I'm too young... to keep good love from going wrong..."  Exceptexceptexcept I am not that young any more.  It was hard to even watch The Apprentice the other day and see Edinburgh (right next to our bloody flat!)  I will never go there again, even if that is cutting off my face to spite my heart.  What the hell is this?  Why can't I just get rid of it? If all feelings had a physical reality too them, I could sick it out.

We texted today- I wanted to let her know about the baby because, well.  And I don't want to know more detail about her life than is necessary.  I don't want to feel concern or anything at all.  So I tell her little about mine.  Probably also because I am ashamed of being a bit of a nothing.

My sis is back for a month, so I am going to be staying at my Gran's a lot.  Maybe limited internet access will be good for me, who knows.


Happy thoughts: we are seeing the baby tomorrow evening.  Names are being picked and I am so excited.  One thing I do know: It will begin with K.