3)

I feel fat.  I try not to go there again.  Constant punishment without crime.  Except that the unwarranted punishment is itself a crime.  The cycle just repeats itself.  So I try not to go there again.

I have done some stupid things, for want of a better way to express myself.  My body isn't really mine when I express them.  I am not really vulnerable when I use it the way I do, with the people I do them with.  Because I'm not really there.

I wonder if I seem as far away as I feel.  But how could anybody want what isn't really there?  A hologram-me, a ghost of me... a vampire?  How can anybody want someone who shrinks back the second the lights come up again?

I don't feel guilty because I'm not quite myself.  I only give, so I am never giving away, never giving of myself.  Nothing personal.

It's not awkward.  In the morning it's only me again.  The me who is easy at laughing and smiling.  I leave not-me behind and I forget.

So it's okay, except when it isn't.