Found

Found this piece of writing in an old blog... http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/blogs/viewblog.php?userid=7061 why would i miss the thinness and wrongness of it?

I feel like such a mess right now. I quit work today and part of me was relieved but the other part was screaming, why can I not hold it together and other people can? It almost feels as if I do it on purpose sometimes. Three times the last two weeks I just completely failed to show up, through being too hungover to go in. I try & recapture the stuff that was good about drinking before it got out of hand. Playing about with shopping trolleys, falling over, dangerous infantile games. But I can't keep it up, it doesn't work like that for me any more. I'm too angry, too volatile. I end up hurting people (myself included.) I just want it there, to blot out whatever keeps hurting, keep down whatever keeps rising. I wanna turn back time to when it was my friend. Can that happen, or is it always a problem once it's a problem? The last few times I've been drunk I've said some pretty shitty things to N, part of the reason she wants me to go. It always starts off so perfect but for whatever reason I'm just not a fun drunk anymore. (whywhywhywhywhy)

Eating is all wrong. I have eaten normally for a week, guess my body got desperate. And it has made me feel so fat. I have been making myself throw up, which I hate. I like my teeth. I appreciate my healthy heart. But I can't take the extra weight. I can feel it spreading all over me, widening me out. I'm scared this one week has piled all the weight back on. Does it work like that? I look at myself and feel sick. So tired of this.

I completely understand where N's coming from, completely agree with her actually, about needing headspace, her needing time to study and me to pull myself together a bit. I really think she's right. But it hurts under all the numbness (I feel so numb.) I can't get any lift into my voice, I can't get any light into my smile. I know because it's been noticed. Being home could be good for me, hanging out with family, being a big sister, being surrounded by people. But I am scared the blankness will seep through. Scared there is no way I can stop drinking. Conversely, no way I can avoid it at home. Scared it isn't home any more.

I'm all adrift like. I don't know where to go from here, or what to do. I need a job in Edinburgh. I need to learn to be better. I need to be a better girlfriend and I need to be kinder to myself. Be less alone. And I just don't know how. When I think about it all it's like the panic of trying to swim when you can't. I want someone to just magic me back to normal, I don't think that I can do it for myself. I want someone else to look after me. And that's what N's been doing and that's why she can't anymore. Dunno how to feel, how I'll explain my 2 week stint in London to anyone who asks. When we were younger (lots) me and my mates used to go to one of Epping forest's off-bits and stare at the stars (well. Where they would have been if it was Yorkshire and not Upper Walthamstow) and drink until we couldn't. That's all I want now. Stare at pierced darkness until that darkens too, fall asleep feeling liminal and wake up feeling like I've crossed some kind of border. But alone this time.