a funny kind of faith

Like most people, I live in an inner world based on bargaining.  "If you... then I..."  without a clear idea of who the "You" in the equation is.  I won't oversleep for a week if you let me catch this train.  The system relies on a general belief in fairness.  No matter how many times the world beyond our bodies is proved unfair, no matter how many times we break our promises, the deal is that "if you... then I."  We tend to put ourselves after the "then."  Not "I won't smoke all wek if I can win a scratchcard on Sunday" or "I won't oversleep for a week if you make sure I don't miss Friday's train."  No- we wait until crisis point, retrace our steps and search for something to promise. Or we retrospectively grant ourselves a prize we imagine we have bargained for (I haven't had a drink all week, so I am buying that dress...) We don't trust the "You" enough to uphold our side of the deal for uncertain reward.

If we sacrifice this lamb, will you protect our city?  That is a faithful bargain... there is no guarantee that when the best parts of the charred remains have been left under the sky for the gods, the city won't be stormed or shattered anyway.

I made a promise of sorts, one that took a leap of faith.  If I stop hurting myself, then I want to feel happier.  I stopped waiting (If you make me happier, then I will stop hurting.)  I threw away some "tools."  I started eating.  I started running.  I started learning to stick up for myself.  Basically I acted as if, until it became so.

It worked.

But what I'm left with... is the drinks.  (If I stop harming, I can't not drink.  If I don't drink, I can't keep eating.  If I don't drink for a week, I owe myself a pint...)  It hasn't been as bad, not at all.  Not for a long time has the bargain been "If I wake up tomorrow, I won't ever drink this much again," or "If she takes me back I won't ever get that drunk again." (because in the end, I broke that deal so many times that she didn't take me back...) So now I think... If I'm not doing as badly, then it doesn't matter!

But sometimes it feels as if a promise I tried not to hear myself make, has been broken. The same promise I made, unlevel-headed and fizzy-bodied, watching fairylights dance and reflecting in that shallow-deep way.  The same promise I broke the next morning.

(If I get the scholarship then...

If I look at things clearly I see that I shouldn't...

If the medication works then I won't....


I promise to respect my life...)