today

I don't want to volunteer today.  I am sick of giving away my time.

It's a toss-up between the irritation of customers and the sicky feeling of guilt if I don't go.  When I feel like it, I know I am really good at it.  I'm chirpy, "bubbly", kind, polite, clean-nailed, fun.  On days like today I can probably still be okay at it but it's fake "have-a-nice-day/can-I-get-you-anything-else-with-that/shit-I've-forgotten-what-I-just-asked-you-NEXT." & I hate being fake which is probably why I don't have a job and possibly why I never will have one for more than- what was it- 4 months?

I want to run- maybe inactivity is what is keeping me so irritated.  But the thought of going outside is making me all panicky. I don't have time to go to the gym before 'work' (if I go) so it'd have to be outside-running and I have that horriblehorriblehorrible feeling of being conspicuous and weird-looking and when I think about getting into running gear I nearly cry.

Today is voting day.

Today my sis woke up and consequently woke me up at 7, for the second day in a row.  I need not to be living at home.  I lay awake thinking about it. What the hell am I doing?  I am in the way.  I am patterned by the days of other people.  I am turning into a teenager.  As though it wasn't bad enough the first time.  I feel fairly sick considering it. I feel a big stroppy string of I don't want to.  And yet.  It is a massive luxury, having no responsibilities.  No bills.  No rent. No job.  No tax. No girlfriend. I cook, clean and generally make myself useful and in exchange I have everything.  And when I have other plans and can't be useful I have guilt, because when I am not being especially useful I am basically not earning my keep.  Altogether it's a pretty amazing deal,

so:

I also decided that I am not going to write again until I have anything half-way interesting to say or at least a half-interesting way to say it.