( I haven't had/made time to update as I go, you see. These are being copied from scratched notebook entries; I wrote this at work in my head)
This time of year always makes me feel lonely. I've searched for another word because "lonely" doesn't seem to make sense. But it is the only word that describes the feeling. It seems almost onomatapoeic; the feeling is one that rolls of the tongue, stretches and curls around a pout in the middle. Rhymes with "meeee."
This year, I got through April without once quoting T.S. eliot (April is the cruellest month...) I waited for the low and when it didn't hit, I was glad. It still hasn't come. But today I caught the scent of blossoms and just for a second the loneliness opened up like a cut.
It's weird to feel so hurt by spring, like SAD in reverse. Aprils and Mays- 2007: my Grandad died; 2008: I stumbled home alone from the Infirmary wearing somebody else's clothes; 2009: my thoughts crashed on an Amsterdam Metro; 2010: the joy of graduation and the trouble that surrounded it.
And last year. God. I was scribbling in an old notebook on Friday afternoon and came across this: "I can't eat. I'm not even hungry. I don't want to eat. If N wants to fuck a model, she can have a titless ribcage and a hanger for unfilled clothing. She can have a hollow tummy and narrow hips. She can watch the arse she says she loves so much flatten to nothing and I just don't care [...]" I think that was May/June, or it feels like it was.
So, this year, it is amazing to be OK. No drama, no tantrums, no fists or blades or attempts to end the year here. Just the loneliness, every now and then, surprisingly intense as it snags my heart mid-beat.
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